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Silvery spider webs running along my hands

Tiny legs climbing over my arms,

Shivers running down my spine,

I sit there,

Waiting.

Waiting for what?

Waiting for that final push,

That nudge that’ll push me into the deepest end of the abyss.

I’m scared,

But I still wait.

Don’t you ever wonder,

Don’t you ever think

That you’re not good enough,

That the people around you would rather have something else,

Someone else.

I always do,

I wonder what would happen once I enter the depths.

Will they wonder where I went,

Will they care when I’m gone?

Do I annoy you,

When I write these words

And you read them?

Do you think to yourself,

Just do it

Or

Do you mutter,

Just shut up.

I want to.

I want to shut up,

I wish I could.

I will one day I hope.

Don’t worry she says when I tell her of my insecurities.

You’re beautiful she says.

I wish I could believe her.

I want to believe her.

I want to wear that dress I saw in the window showcase

And walk around with the confidence of a thousand suns.

I want to believe that I’m okay,

That the first thing people see when they look at me

Isn’t the flab on my body.

I’m waiting for the day

But sadly I feel,

That the day the abyss takes me

Shall be before I can come to terms with myself.
Honestly,
I'm scared.
I'm scared to show,
To feel,
To be,
I'm scared.
Fear overwhelms me,
Traps me into this constant wheel
Which I can't seem to leave.
I'm the hamster,
The hamster that has everything to lose,
And nothing to say.
Who runs and runs and runs
But can never seem to get away.
The cigarettes don't help,
Nor does the alcohol.
I've lost what I've been trying to say,
I's just ranting now.
You can leave if you'd like
If you haven't already.
I think I'm just going to go to sleep now.
I'm just so tired.
I can still feel the crawling up my arms,
I can still feel the shivers down my back,
I can feel the spider webs covering me.
With that I shall leave.